During or after conflict and disaster, people may experience someone they care about going missing because of things such as:
- Getting separated on the journey
- Being in hiding
- Being in captivity or captured
- Being kidnapped
- Being in a conflict zone and unable to communicate
- Disappearance with unknown cause
Ambiguous loss occurs when someone you care about is missing and their fate is uncertain. Unlike death, it is an unresolved situation, leading to ongoing distress and difficulty in healing. It often triggers constant worry, feelings of helplessness and guilt, and an inability to move forward.
Ambiguous loss is traumatic. Common reactions include:
- Constant concern about the person’s safety or what has happened or is happening to them. This constant preoccupation with the person’s safety can make it harder to do other activities like having a job or caring for the family.
- Intense feelings of helplessness. You might feel like you need to do something to find them or get them help but are unable to do so or not sure what to do.
- Feeling guilty about being alive or safe. This can include feeling bad about having moments of joy, eating food the person enjoyed, or engaging in activities the person liked to do.
- Feeling like you can’t move on. In situations where it may be likely that the person has died, but the death is unconfirmed, feeling like you can’t grieve or move forward until you are sure.
When people are trying to settle into a new country, there is additional stress caused by adjusting to a new environment, finding a job, paying bills, learning a new language, and supporting children. Support systems and familiar resources that would typically help you may not be available to you in your new environment. The combination of ambiguous loss and significant stress can cause you to have:
- Headaches or stomachaches in the absence of an illness
- Changes in appetite; eating more or less than usual
- Trouble falling or staying asleep or sleeping too much
- Being easily startled
- Increased crying
- Increased fear
- Difficulty concentrating
- Difficulty remembering
- Not wanting to be around people
- Difficulty feeling connectedness with others
If you are experiencing ambiguous loss, be patient with yourself and know that coping with any loss takes time. Here are some tips to help you cope:
- Connect with others: Seek support from trusted individuals such as friends, family, or faith leaders. Connecting with others can provide comfort and a sense of belonging.
- Establish a routine: Maintain consistency in your daily schedule, including regular sleep patterns and mealtimes. A structured routine promotes better sleep quality and helps regulate eating habits.
- Be preoccupied: Engage in activities like exercise, prayer, mindfulness, singing, or cooking to alleviate stress and improve overall well-being. Find effective ways to manage worries and clear your mind.
- Engage in physical activity: Incorporate movement to relieve tension and promote relaxation. Practice gentle exercises such as stretching, walking, or yoga to calm your body and reduce physical symptoms of stress.
- Prioritize self-care: Make time for activities that bring you comfort and support your mental health. Whether it's deep breathing exercises, prayer, or other calming rituals, prioritize self-care to nurture your emotional resilience.
Seek more help when needed: Don't hesitate to ask for help if you're having a hard time or feeling upset. You can call 9-8-8 or reach out to someone you trust, like a religious leader or your doctor. If you feel like hurting yourself or are losing hope, get help right away by calling a mental health counselor or dialing 9-8-8. Your wellbeing is important, and there are people who can help you through tough times.